Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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