This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
