I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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