i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
