I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
