He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
