He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
