I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
