god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
