my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
