Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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