Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
