Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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