Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
