i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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