i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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