please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
