we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
