She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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