Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
