My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think we might need a safe word for this...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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