Your face is a jimmy john
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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