When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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