My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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