i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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