You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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