a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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