i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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