I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
