i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You ruined the universe
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
