My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
