at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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