I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
