I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
