My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
