Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
