and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
