i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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