Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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