it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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