Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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