I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
