Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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