Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
