She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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