Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
