I could have mohawked her pubes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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