Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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