After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
