I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
