No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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