it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
