I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
