by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
