My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
3 2 1 whiskey
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
