dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
